stop & GO!

I realize that a lot of things are stop and go. I could spend this paragraph talking about generic examples of stop and go, but my time is precious and so is yours. I didn’t create this blog to be phony. But I also don’t want to talk about my stop and gos. I’m super not about sharing with the world my battle with food. I wish I could describe the feeling in my chest and the sting behind my eyes as I type this. I hate this. I hate that I’m still dealing with this. But instead of keeping this inside I’m going to confess my sins to others and trust that you’ll read these words and pray for my brokenness so that I can live whole and healed.‭‭(James‬ ‭5:16 MSG)

I went to a conference today where we explored our hurts from our parents and I realized that my whole life my Mama Bear tried to help me with my weight because it was the only weight she could see. She saw the hurt and stayed up countless nights while I cried and was broken hearted at such young and tender ages. But staying up and crying wasn’t all I did. I ate. I ate too much. I ate ’til I was full. I ate after I was full. I ate in secret. And the weight piled on. So people teased me. My mama saw me hurting and wanted to help. She thought it was their words. To her it sounded like the solution was weight loss. So she put me into every program. Exercise programs. Nutrition programs. Whatever she could think of. And I went. But they never worked. And it hurt. It all still hurt. So I ate. And now as an adult I know it wasn’t because of the weight. Not the weight she could see.

When it seemed like all else failed, my mom refused to give up. So we were off to New York for weight loss surgery. We’d tried everything. So it had to be beyond our control. I remember the psych evaluations they required before they would allow a 10th grader to have weight loss surgery. They asked questions and like with the food, I thought lying and hiding was best. That’s what food had taught me: that I could hide. From my emotions. From responsibility. And I thought I could lie too, but my body always told the truth. The way the pounds kept piling on was proof. But just like my mom they saw the weight without detecting the weights.

My whole life with weight has been stop and go. I’d try and then I’d quit. And then I’d try and give up again. Even this very year, I was going to lose 25 lbs by 25. Then I was going to go to the gym. I was going to meal prep. I was going to the gym. I was meal prepping. And then stop. And I was back to binge eating. To refusing to feel and refusing to deal with the weights behind the weight.

So now I’m confessing and asking that you pray for me. The conference I went to was called Bare: More Than You Can Bear. Here I am bare. Exposing my deepest and most obvious secret. Being honest that this weight is more than my knees can physically bear. But more importantly these weights are more than I can bear. I need your help. It’s not hidden now. I invite you in, Abba. Heal the hurts that make me hide. Behind food. And fat. And fear. Tonight was a night of freedom. And I refuse to let it pass me by. It’s going to hurt to feel everything that I’ve tried to bury with food for as long as I can remember, but I’m giving you permission to take me there. I’m giving you permission to dig to the bottom of those piles. I don’t know what I’ll find there. I don’t know what wounds have remained unhealed. But I want to trust you. I know that you are with me. That you won’t leave me or forsake me. Help me end this cycle of stop and go. Let it be stop & GOD this time, because even my GO! isn’t enough.

In His Love,

A Surrendered Crown